Litter and filth everywhere

Here is my latest letter, sent to various UK Members of Parliament:

Subject: Please clean up our streets!

FROM:

• Mohandas Gandhi

TO:

• bennh@parliament.uk

Sunday, January 29, 2012 12:06 AM

Dear Rt Hon Hilary Benn MP,
My name is Mohandas (Mahatma) Gandhi - you may have heard of me - I led the resistance to British rule in India which ultimately proved to be futile. Anyway, my hometown of Porbandar is one of the dirtiest places in the world, and so I am writing to you as the elected M.P. of this part of the Bombay Presidency of British India, to do something about it.
Looking forward to seeing your actions and not just hearing your words,
Gandhi

Have you published recently?

• RE: Positions Available?‏

1/27/12

Reply  ▼

To 'Karl Marx', ecostaff-acad - Economics academic staff (HR)

Karl,

It’s good to hear from you. We were wondering what’s happened to you, especially as we have switched to the Kings Arms! How’s Engels?

We are indeed hiring senior people this year and are encouraging all viable candidates to apply. Have you seen our advert in JOE?

Given the pressures to keep pushing the discipline forward, one critical issue will be what have you published recently? Anything peer reviewed this time, as the Research Excellence Framework dictates? Hoffenlich etwa’ besonderes! I think Popper may be on the REF panel so be prepared for the pseudo-science critique.

We look forward to hearing from you.

Eric Smith

Head of Department

From: Karl Marx [mailto:karl_marx1848@hotmail.com]
Sent: 25 January 2012 18:52
To: Smith, Eric
Subject: Positions Available?

Dear University of Essex,

My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Got a reply from John Stuart Mill (decd.)!!!!!

• Re: Positions Available?‏

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

 Sarah Archibald

  Add to contacts

To Karl Marx

Dear Mr Marx
 
We are delighted to receive your enquiry, and the 

opportunity to work with a political philosopher 

of your stature would clearly be valued.  
However, the strictures of the current Government 

Research Excellence Framework emphasize a certain 

quality of publication and relevance to public 

policy which I am uncertain that your output 

reflects.  Whilst your publications from the 

mid-nineteenth century did have notable impact, 

the lack of recent refereed publications is an 

issue, and although your work is associated with 

a particular approach to political analysis, we 

are not convinced it has the policy impact required 

by the government.
 
As I mentioned, it is a real delight to receive 

your enquiry, and I'm sorry that we do not have 

an opportunity for employment at this moment.  
If you would be interested in giving a guest 

lecture, I'm sure that it would be appreciated 

by our students and some of the less progressive 
members of academic staff.
 
Best wishes,
 
J S Mill (decd.)
 
Karl Marx said the following on 25/01/2012 18:00:
>
> Dear University of Sheffield,
> My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me 

> - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th 

> century on the evils of capitalism.
> The reason I am writing to you is that I believe 

> that my theories are as relevant today as when I 

> first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity 

> to share my ideas with the young generation of today. 

> Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in 

> your Economics or Politics departments?
> I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, 

> when I can be found in the King's Head.
> Yours,
> Karl Marx

Robot IV? Strange indeed...

• RE: Positions Available?‏

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

 Jennifer Thompson

To Karl Marx

Dear Karl

Thank you for your email.

I am familiar with some of your work and I am sure the University would welcome an application from you for any relevant roles which come up.

I would recommend that you sign up to job alerts at our website www.gla.ac.uk/jobs so that you can receive notification of any relevant roles which you may be suitable for.

Regards

Jen

Jen Thompson
Recruitment Assistant
Human Resources Department
University of Glasgow
Tel: 0141 330 5855
Email: jennifer.thompson@glasgow.ac.uk

The University of Glasgow, charity number SC004401

From: Karl Marx [mailto:karl_marx1848@hotmail.com]
Sent: 25 January 2012 19:21
To: Jennifer Thompson
Subject: Positions Available?

Dear University of Glasgow,
My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

A wee bit of a long commute from Highgate

• RE: Positions Available?‏

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

 NAPIER Christina

• 
  

To 'Karl Marx'

Dear Mr Marx
 
Thank you very much for your enquiry. I'm sure that our 

students would have been very interested to hear your views 

on capitalism but isn't it a wee bit of a long commute from 

Highgate to Edinburgh on a daily basis - even allowing for 

your Wednesday sojourns to the King's Head? I'm also a 

little concerned about your commitment to Cologne.
 
Regards
 
Christina Napier
Student Experience Officer
School of Economics
University of Edinburgh
2.13, 31 Buccleuch Place
EDINBURGH EH8 9LN
 
Tel: +44 (0)131 650 8362
 
http://www.econ.ed.ac.uk
http://www.facebook.com/UOE.Economics
 
 
-- 
The University of Edinburgh is a charitable body, 

registered in Scotland, with registration number SC005336.
 
 
-----Original Message-----
From: Karl Marx [mailto:karl_marx1848@hotmail.com] 
Sent: 25 January 2012 18:34
To: Karl Marx
Subject: Positions Available?
 
 
Dear University of Edinburgh,
 
My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote 

extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils 

of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my 

theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them 

down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with 

the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have 

any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics 

departments? 
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I 

can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx
 

Some issues have been identified with your theories...

• Re: Positions Available?‏

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

 George Kapetanios

• 
  
• 
  

To Karl Marx, econ-staff@qmul.ac.uk

Dear Karl

Nice to hear from you after such a long time. I was under the impression your theories have been extensively tested and some issues had been identified with respect to their practical implementation.

However, we do have openings and, as our hiring seminars are not on wednesdays we'd be delighted to have you talk about your new ideas.

Maybe you could send your cv as we'd like to see what you have been up to in the last 130 years or so?

All the best
George

------------------

---

From: Karl Marx <karl_marx1848@hotmail.com>

Date: Thu, 26 Jan 2012 01:20:10 +0300

To: <g.kapetanios@qmul.ac.uk>

Subject: Positions Available?

Dear Queen Mary University of London,
My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Head of Economics at the University of Plymouth suspects an internal wind-up...

• RE: Positions Available?‏

1/26/12

Reply

 Steven Brand Add to contacts

To Karl Marx

No, Colin... we don't.  Sorry.
Steve
 
 
Dr Steven Brand
Head of Economics and Regional Development,
Associate Professor of Economics,
University of Plymouth
________________________________________
From: Karl Marx [karl_marx1848@hotmail.com]
Sent: 25 January 2012 22:26
To: Steven Brand
Subject: Positions Available?
 
Dear University of Plymouth,
My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote 

extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils 

of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my 

theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them 

down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with 

the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have 

any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can 

be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Robots III

• RE: Positions Available?‏

To see messages related to this one, group messages by conversation.

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

To 'Karl Marx'

Dear Karl,

Thank you for your email and your attached CV/resume.  I regret that the University will only accept applications against specific vacancies that we have advertised, and we do not hold applications on file for future vacancies.

All of our available vacancies are advertised on our website - please go to http://www.liv.ac.uk and follow the link from the ‘Working at Liverpool’ tab. The website is updated every two weeks with our current jobs.  If you should see anything of interest to you on the website, you should be able to download the details and the application form.  If the details are not available via the website or if you have difficulty downloading them, please fill in the on-line request form and we will send you the application information by post. 

Thank you for the interest you have shown in working at the University of Liverpool.

Jennie Gibson

Recruitment

Human Resources

University of Liverpool

Hart Building

Mount Pleasant

Liverpool

L3 5TQ

From: Karl Marx [mailto:karl_marx1848@hotmail.com]
Sent: 25 January 2012 15:53
To: Jobs
Subject: Positions Available?

Dear University of Liverpool,

My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Robots II

• RE: Positions Available?‏

To see messages related to this one, group messages by conversation.

1/26/12

Reply  ▼

To Karl Marx

All our vacancies are advertised on our website www.uclan.ac.uk/jobs

Should there be any vacancies that you wish to apply for please complete  the UCLan application form and return to the Human Resources Department.

Regards

Human Resources

University of Central Lancashire | Fylde Building 007 | Preston PR1 2HE

01772 892324 – phone

01772 892933 - fax

humanresources@uclan.ac.uk

www.uclan.ac.uk/jobs

From: Karl Marx [mailto:karl_marx1848@hotmail.com]
Sent: 25 January 2012 17:58
To: Human Resources
Subject: Positions Available?

Dear University of Central Lancashire,

My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Robots

Here are some of the standard semi-automated replies that I received:

• Re: FW: Positions Available?‏

1/25/12

Reply  ▼

 HR Contact

To Karl Marx

Thank you for your email. Unfortunately we have no current vacancies within the areas you mention. Please may I direct you to our website where you will find all current job vacancies (temporary and permanent), links on how you can apply and also to our application form. http://www.bathspa.ac.uk/services/hr/jobs/current-vacancies/
All new vacancies in the first instance, are placed on our website however as we do not have a mailing list/alert system we recommend that you check this on a regular basis.
 Thank you for your interest in Bath Spa University.
Kind Regards
Gill

Human Resources

Bath Spa University
Newton Park, Newton St Loe, Bath, BA2 9BN

HR General Enquires: +44 (0)1225 876338
E: hrcontact@bathspa.ac.uk   
W: www.bathspa.ac.uk/services/hr/

For the latest HR news, please visit http://www.bathspa.ac.uk/services/hr/hr-newslink/default.asp


HR - Working in partnership to deliver the best student experience

On 25 January 2012 16:08, Karl Marx <karl_marx1848@hotmail.com> wrote:

Dear University of Bath Spa,

My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Positions Available?

Here is the email that I sent to various universities in the UK:

Dear University of Exeter,
My name is Karl Marx - you may have heard of me - I wrote extensively in the middle of the 19th century on the evils of capitalism.
The reason I am writing to you is that I believe that my theories are as relevant today as when I first wrote them down, and I'd love the opportunity to share my ideas with the young generation of today. Do you by any chance have any positions vacant in your Economics or Politics departments?
I'm available most mornings, but not on Wednesdays, when I can be found in the King's Head.
Yours,
Karl Marx

Re: Recording contract

Hi Elvis

Do you have any new demos?  How have you been?  Where have you been?

Talk soon,

Shervon Esfahani

Fearless Records | A&R 

p. 562.592.3438

Check out our new website: fearlessrecords.com

On Jan 24, 2012, at 6:00 AM, Elvis Presley wrote:

Dear Fearless Record Company,

My name is Elvis Presley - you may have heard of me - I made a string of records and movies between the 1950's-1970's. Anyway, the reason that I am writing to you is that since I passed away, I have continued to make music and, to be honest, I feel I still have what it takes to be a chart-topper. I used to be signed to the RCA label, however I'm assuming that I no longer have contractual obligations to them.  I would describe my new sound as bluesy/country - much like my old sound really.
Looking forward to hearing from you (and you hearing me!),
Regards,
Elvis Presley

Recording contract

This is the letter that I sent to various record companies:

Dear Warner Brothers Record Company,

My name is Elvis Presley - you may have heard of me - I made a string of records and movies between the 1950's-1970's. Anyway, the reason that I am writing to you is that since I passed away, I have continued to make music and, to be honest, I feel I still have what it takes to be a chart-topper. I used to be signed to the RCA label, however I'm assuming that I no longer have contractual obligations to them.  I would describe my new sound as bluesy/country - much like my old sound really.
Looking forward to hearing from you (and you hearing me!),
Regards,
Elvis Presley

Re: Come and get me plea!

Hi Cristiano,

Thanks for getting in touch, we are greatly honoured you have chosen us as your next career step.

However, is there any chance we can speed things up and get a transfer done asap as the window closes next week and we have already identified our transfer targets for the summer?

Please let me know asap

Kind Regards

Witan Football Club

---

From: "cristiano7ronaldo@lycos.com" <cristiano7ronaldo@lycos.com>
To: deanorams@yahoo.co.uk
Sent: Tuesday, 24 January 2012, 1:00
Subject: Come and get me plea!

Dear Witan Football Club,
My name is Cristiano Ronaldo - you've probably heard of me. To cut a long story short, I'm taking a lot of stick from the fans and the media here in Madrid, and I was wondering if you would be interested in securing my services for the 2012/3 season.
I'm looking to return to doing something that I dearly miss - that's playing football without the hullabaloo that seems to follow me wherever I go. I thought that by coming to play at your club I can simply concentrate on the football side of things. What about the €1 million per month salary I hear you ask? Well, I've got more than enough money in my bank account to last me several lifetimes, and so I will be happy to play for free.
I hope to hear from you soon with your positive response,
Regards,
Cristiano Ronaldo

Come and get me plea!

This is the letter that I send to various non-league football clubs

Dear Staines Town Football Club,
My name is Cristiano Ronaldo - you've probably heard of me. To cut a long story short, I'm taking a lot of stick from the fans and the media here in Madrid, and I was wondering if you would be interested in securing my services for the 2012/3 season.
I'm looking to return to doing something that I dearly miss - that's playing football without the hullabaloo that seems to follow me wherever I go. I thought that by coming to play at your club I can simply concentrate on the football side of things. What about the €1 million per month salary I hear you ask? Well, I've got more than enough money in my bank account to last me several lifetimes, and so I will be happy to play for free.
I hope to hear from you soon with your positive response,
Regards,
Cristiano Ronaldo

British sense of humour...

I'm completely and unashamedly biased, but the British sense of humour is as funny as it comes. For my third and latest blog, I've chosen to test this hypothesis by sending unsolicited emails seemingly from various well-known figures, some alive and others dead. I will post the responses here.